Mini Mayhem
by smiles1116
Summary: A [reader insert] story. This piece of fluff was inspired by something I'd started years ago. - Rating for brief language.


Itachi slowly sits up, letting out the softest groan with his hand to the side of his head. He feels more than a little disoriented and… wait…. He looks around slowly, spying an unfamiliar bundle before him. Curiosity consumes him, and he begins carefully unraveling what appears to be a blanket from around the bundle; he soon realizes it is breathing, though with some difficulty. His eyes widen in shock as he sees a small child, no older than two, by his calculations. The toddler's hair is a short [hair color], and the skin is a soft [skin color].

… _But how the hell did it get here?_

* * *

Three years later

* * *

"Nii-chan! 'Tachi-nii-chan!" A five-year-old girl rushes through a hallway and stumbles around the corner, running straight into a leg. She bounces off it and falls on her bum, looking up with wide eyes into the face of a leering blonde.

"Oi, [name]-chan, un. You should be more careful where you're running, yeah." He ruffles her pretty [hair length or style] [hair color] locks and hands her a little ball of clay. "Here, you can make Itachi something pretty, un."

"Thank you, Dei-Dei-chan!" [name] happily squishes the clay as she toddles past him again before pausing. "Dei-Dei-chan, do you know where 'Tachi-nii-chan is?"

Deidara scratches the back of his head. "Itachi? No, un, I haven't seen him or Kisame today. They might be out on a mission, yeah."

The small girl stamps her foot impatiently. "No!"

"No?" Shock fills the blonde's voice, although he can't help being amused by her sassy side.

"No! He has ta play wif me!" Her speech tends to regress a bit when she grows cross or sleepy, and it is one of the most adorable things about this child. "Find him, Dei-Dei-chan!"

"Hai, hai. I'll look for him, yeah." Deidara holds up his hands and smiles to placate the little terror.

"Good!" She nods in satisfaction and turns to run off again, calling for her 'Tachi all the way.

"Good grief, more like, yeah." The bomber mutters to himself as he turns and continues on his way.

* * *

Itachi sighs as he rests on a branch overlooking a small, still pond. Kisame always finds himself drawn to the water and wants to stop at every stream, every lake, every puddle they pass. Itachi understands enough to let him, as the water keeps his skin from growing uncomfortably dry. Of course, sometimes his partner has a tendency to overdo it.

"Ahh, such a nice place, Itachi." Kisame floats by on his back in naught but his black boxers decorated with puffy red clouds, spitting a stream of water up to sprinkle down over his face.

"Hai, it's peaceful," Itachi murmurs in agreement. "But we still need to get going soon to return to the base."

"Aw, but Itachi, the base is so stressful." Kisame ducks underwater then pops his head back up. "Samehada and I like the water."

"Yes… but we left today without telling [name]-chan." His words cause Kisame to freeze then shudder.

"Ugh… you're right, Itachi…. She'll be throwing a fit by now." He reluctantly strokes over to the bank and lifts himself up, firm muscles rippling beneath his blue-tinted skin. He rises and shakes himself mostly dry, rather resembling a dog, before he moves to pick up his clothing; he soon pulls on his robe and lifts his enormous sword from the water, quickly re-bandaging the entire length. "I guess we should get going. I'd hate to see what she'd do if we don't show up tonight."

"… My guess would be punish some unfortunate soul."

"Let's hope it's Hidan, then." Kisame gives the Uchiha a rather… predatory grin. "I wouldn't mind if she were to take out her frustration on him."

"… Maybe we should hurry."

* * *

"OI! GIVE MY FUCKING BODY BACK MY FUCKING HEAD!"

"NO!"

"GIVE ME BACK! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"

"NO! NOT UNTIL YOU LEARN TO SAY NICE WORDS! LIKE RAINBOWS AND PUPPIES AND SUNSHINE!"

"FUCK YOU, [name]!"

The [hair color]ed little girl runs through the living area where the majority of those without missions reside. She has somehow managed to not only sneak up on the immortal Jashinist, but behead him, as well. Kakuzu looks up and muses to himself that she must have caught him in the middle of one of his rituals. Head in hand… or rather, hair in fist… she's fleeing from the headless body chasing after her. The blonde bomber watches in amusement. "Oi, [name], whatcha got there, un?"

"All of his bad words, Dei-Dei-chan!" She hollers as she runs past him and hides behind the couch. "Can I has some more clay, please?"

Deidara blinks before shrugging and reaching into his pouch, retrieving some before handing it to her. "Is this enough, yeah?"

"Ahuh!" She takes the lump and shoves it straight into Hidan's mouth as he opens it to scream and curse again. "Now he can't say bad words, and I can hide him!"

Muffled noises are heard coming from the head dangling near the floor, and [name] looks down and thumps him with a frown.

"What was that one for?" Deidara looks at her in surprise.

"He was tryna say mean words again. I just knew it."

"In all likelihood, you are correct, little [name]." Kakuzu doesn't bother looking up from where he's taking care of balancing the Akatsuki finances.

"Now I'mma go hide him somewhere secret in time-out. So he can think about saying nice words." The [hair color]-headed child turns to run past the body before a voice stops her.

"Now, now, [name]. Wouldn't you rather see me than bury that rotten head?" The girl's eyes snap up as she gasps.

"'Tachi-nii-chan!" She unceremoniously drops the disembodied head on the floor [earning a muffled grunt of pain and flurry of probable mean words from the gagged mouth] and rushes forward. The male kneels and produces his arms from the front of his cloak, and she throws herself into them, soon swallowed up within the confines of the oversized cloak.

"Has she gotten into much trouble?"

Deidara and Kakuzu share a look before shaking their heads, the latter offering a reply. "Not a single bit."

[The head on the floor lets out a string of muffled grunts and yells, obviously disagreeing with that statement, as his body still hasn't found him yet.]

Itachi turns with the girl in his arms and heads back down the hallway of the base toward the room he shares with his partner. "[name], haven't I told you not to antagonize the crazy ones?"

Her head pokes up within his collar, speaking as they enter the room. "He said mean words to me. I told him I'd give it back if he said nice words, but he only said more mean words. So I runned away from his body and fed him clay."

"That's our girl." Kisame chuckles from his lounging chair, stroking and caring for his precious sword.

"Indeed, she is. You've taught her naughty tricks, Kisame." Itachi unzips his cloak and lets the girl tumble out onto his bed, turning and draping the heavy black wrap over his own chair. He pauses as he spies something on his desk. "What is this?"

[name] squirms up with wide [eye color] orbs. "I squished you a pretty kitty outta Dei-Dei-chan's clay! Do you like it?"

Kisame chuckles. "Yeah, Itachi, do you like the pretty kitty she squished for you? I think it goes well with the scary sharky she squished for me."

"Yes, it is a lovely kitty, [name]-chan." Itachi gives her the smallest of smiles before turning his head and coughing into the crook of his elbow. His body shakes with the awful sound before it finally subsides.

"Aw, 'Tachi-nii-chan, is you still sick?" [name]'s eyes are wide, accentuating the [eye color] within the depths. "I thought Kuku-chan made it better?"

"… I just forgot my medicine tonight, [name]-chan. No need to worry." Itachi smiles gently at her, making sure she doesn't see the little spatters of blood on the fabric covering his arm. He purposely doesn't look toward Kisame, who he knows is giving the raven-haired male a subtle worried glance. "But it's bedtime now. I'm sorry we didn't get to play today, but we can tomorrow."

"But I'm no-" Her protests die amidst a yawn. "… Otay, 'Tachi-nii-chan."

Itachi smiles gently once more as he quickly changes her into a soft black t-shirt with a little Akatsuki cloud on the hem at her side. He lays her down on the wall-side in his bed and tucks her in, watching as she falls asleep quickly. He soon follows her into bed, letting her cuddle up against his side as he gently strokes her hair. He can remember discovering her as if it were yesterday… waking up in the bed with the little girl and unable to recall anything from the previous days.

* * *

Flashback

* * *

"… _What the hell is _that_, Uchiha?" Leader had demanded an explanation the second he came in carrying the currently shrieking bundle._

"_It's a baby, Leader-sama!" Tobi had exclaimed joyfully as he peered into the blanket. _

"_Actually, it seems to be a bit older than that," Sasori had called out from where he was leaning against the wall._

"_Where the fuck did it come from?!" Hidan's input, while very unnecessarily punctuated, voiced everyone else's shared question._

"_I don't know." Itachi had known he had to answer truthfully, even though it was rather… embarrassing… for a ninja to have what appeared to be amnesia. "I woke up with her in my bed. I can't even remember what I've done the last few days."_

"_You've been out on a mission with me," Kisame had frowned, wondering if the lost memory might be part of Itachi's mysterious illness. "We just got back the night before last. I don't know where you were yesterday, though."_

"_For the fuck of Jashin, will someone shut that thing up?!" Hidan had drawn his scythe and turned toward the still-shrieking bundle that everyone had been shouting over._

"_Maybe it's hungry!" Tobi had exclaimed joyfully, bringing over a sucker from his pocket. "Tobi always wants to cry when Tobi is hungry!"_

_Deidara had smacked the lollipop from his hand, the hard candy shattering on the floor. "You don't feed a baby candy, un! What are you, stupid?!"_

"_Then what do you feed babies, Deidara-sempai?" Tobi's one eye was wide behind the mask._

"_I… erm… how would I know, yeah?!"_

_With a sigh, Konan had strolled over, plucked the child from Itachi's arms, and carried her toward the kitchen area. "Ugh… MEN. They don't know a thing about women, do they?"_

_The shrieking had stopped, causing the males to share a glance then follow after her. By the time they arrived, she had already heated up some milk, diluted it with water, and created a makeshift bottle. The woman looked up and handed her back to Itachi. "She's still your problem."_

_Itachi had reluctantly accepted the bright-eyed child into his arms again, gazing down at her as she drank from the bottle he was holding. Kisame looked over his shoulder and waved at the tiny girl, who giggled and began to babble at them. "What are we going to do with her, Itachi?"_

"_I don't know… maybe we can find someplace to take her and find her a family?"_

"_Ah… but where are we going to take her? That would be a few days' journey just to get to the nearest village, and we couldn't keep her quiet for that long."_

"_Well… maybe she can stay tonight," Itachi had watched the child babble herself out and fall asleep nestled in his arms. "And we can figure out what to do with her tomorrow."_

* * *

End flashback

* * *

He still had no idea where she'd come from… but he knows he wouldn't change that somehow he had ended up keeping her around, simply by postponing taking her anywhere. They had eventually started calling her [name], and it just stuck… and she grew on most of them, but especially him and Kisame. She reminded him so much of his Sasuke… the smaller version, not this crazed avenger he's become. This little girl has been such a big part of his life the last three years, and he couldn't imagine having done all this without her. And yet…

"Kisame… are you still awake?" He asks, breaking the quiet of the dark room.

"Hn… what is it, Itachi?" The sleepy reply comes from across the room.

"… You'll take care of her when it's time… won't you?" This causes the blue male to sit up and flick on the bedside lamp, looking over at the bed near his. They share a long look, and Kisame knows Itachi is talking about the guarantee his illness will kill him sometime soon… that is, if Sasuke doesn't finish him before then. Even though little [name] has been a pain to raise and care for at times, he already knows his answer.

"… Of course I will, Itachi."


End file.
